Today’s topic in the Seven Day Blog Challenge is “Pick A Fight.” Many times, topics that are somewhat controversial, or more thought provoking than routine discussions are what get people talking. Whether you agree or disagree, discussion on issues around politics, religion, raising children, education etc… often bring out lively debate.
For me, one issue that is of particular importance falls under the religion category. As a never-married, no kids, nearing middle-age adult, I often find myself feeling alone in the middle of church. In spite of having hundreds of people seated around me, all joining in song and prayers, I can’t help but look around and see that the majority of the congregation consists of couples (both young and old) and families with varying ages of children. Other than the doctrine we believe, I have nothing in common with them.
I know I can’t control the make-up of the congregation, and I would never attempt to discourage anyone, regardless of life situation, from attending. The problem I have has more to do with the way singles are viewed, or more so, are ignored within the church.
My church (and my denomination in general) is family oriented. The majority of members in the congregation are families. Don’t get me wrong, I fully support the amount of time and money spent on nurturing families within the congregation. They represent the majority of membership, and I believe children should be raised in Godly instruction. The problem is that there is nothing offered for singles, especially those without children and/or those who have never been married. There are groups for single parents and groups for divorced members. But when it comes to singles’ ministry in the truest sense, my church offers nothing.
A number of years ago, a small group of singles, including me, tried to start a singles ministry, but after about a year of not getting any support from the congregation, or really even the pastors, the group died out. The church’s budget is stretched thin. I get that. But part of the mission of the church is to provide spiritual guidance and support for all members.
When a particular group is not represented in terms of Bible studies, small groups, or special events, a number of the people in that group feel alienated and ultimately leave the church. In churches that do have a singles group, the groups often are either geared toward twenty-somethings and/or are more about socialization in hopes of finding a spouse rather than actual spiritual development. I’ve been in both kinds in the past.
I understand churches cannot provide a group/event for every specific life situation. But as more singles leave the church, it’s clear there is a growing need for more targeted ministry opportunities for those singles who do not fit into other categories (divorce care, single parent, widowed, etc..).
Here are some simple, low-cost ideas for singles’ ministry that any church could implement:
- Small group – Many churches utilize small groups to help serve their members. These member-led groups provide more in-depth study on certain topics or books of the Bible, as well as prayer support and a sense of community. A singles’ small group can be led by any of the group members and would require little to no financial funding by the church. The church just needs to be on board with adding the group and supporting the members just as it does for couple/family oriented groups.
- Monthly meals – For many singles with no children, cooking regular meals is rare because they end up with the same leftovers for days. If the church offered a regular meeting where singles got together either after a service for lunch, or an evening meal, members could share their favorite recipes with others in a potluck fashion. This would also provide singles with a regular event where they could either discuss spiritual topics of interest/need, or plan for future events. Again, there would be little cost to the church as it would only require the use of a meeting room.
- Singles led worship service – Some churches occasionally pay lip service to singles by having one sermon on preparing for marriage. But many people don’t realize how many singles there actually are in the congregation. Single members could help lead the service, everything from serving as greeters and ushers to playing music/leading singing to reading the scripture lessons. Making a point to show the congregation singles are a valued part of the church’s mission goes a long way in helping singles feel more accepted.
- Mentoring program – Part of helping singles feel welcome in the church involves outreach. Those with spouses and/or children most often associate with those they’ve met through their small groups or similar activities with people in similar life situations. And vice versa; singles most often associate with other singles, or in many cases, simply leave right after church without talking to anyone. Connecting a single person with another church member, can encourage both people to interact with others outside of their normal social groups. Whether the connection is made based on career, hobbies, or even on random selection, having one person you know eventually leads you to other connections within the church.
I could list many more options as I’ve thought a lot about this topic. A lack of singles’ ministry impacts me personally, but in the larger sense, the church is losing many valuable members because they don’t feel they fit into a sanctuary filled with couples and children. The bottom line is that if churches don’t start doing a better job of ministering to singles, more and more will end up leaving the church altogether.
Tell me how you feel – Should churches focus resources on the majority group of the congregation or try to reach out to smaller groups more regularly? What can couples/families do to help singles feel more welcome? What can singles do to become more involved in their churches?
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I think your ideas for including singles are great and they cost little or nothing.
I’m not sure if it’s an issue of the church spending money. We just came out of a large church with 500 or more members. There were many problems, in my opinion, with classes and small groups and outreach. (I could delve into this at length, but I’ll try to keep it relative to your specific area!)
The main problem, from my perspective, was that everyone wanted to be the idea guy. Everyone wanted the next great class or group or church-sponsored event to be their idea, but no one wanted to follow through. No one wanted to invest time in actually getting something off the ground. No one wanted to invest actual time in something. They just wanted to be recognized for their great idea. Furthermore, if that idea was brought to fruition, the people who did actually put the work and time into it did not get the credit or the thanks for it, because the “idea people” made sure to shout from the rooftops how their great idea was a success.
The other problem I can see, and I am generalizing from my experience at a large church, is that many single people are not seen as a boon to the church’s economy. (Being that ours was a large church, it was run more like a business than a church, so income was always the priority.) So, to put it nicely, if you are single, you aren’t going to be giving as much to the church as say an older, successful couple. So, why invest time in singles when it’s not lucrative to the church to do so?
You may not go to a large church like the one I am talking about, so it may be that none of this applies. It’s just my personal experience that I thought I’d share.
Thanks for sharing, Megan. I agree with you that I think part of why singles ministry, and others like something for college students, has to do with finances. Typically, singles don’t have the same income that couples do to contribute. But I think a lot of it is that because churches in general are geared towards families, which I certainly don’t begrudge, they focus the majority of time and resources on that part of ministry. I do go to a large church so it’s easy to get lost. We’re in the process of calling a new associate pastor, so I’m hoping that once things are settled with that, maybe I can set up a meeting with the new pastor to see about his views on singles ministry and/or the possibility of trying to get something started.